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Flyweight
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Feel free to criticize my posts
IP:
Damn NICE CONCEPT!!
I read it a few times.
At 1st I didn't know how I was gonna (constructively) criticize it
Then I thought just let it speak for itself and point out good and bad
So here is my honest opinion
Your 1st paragraph:
Quote:
Witnesser of many acts of assassin's,
And massecists sicker than mutliple molasses's,
He comes back to hit up mansion with,
A rich man that once did bad to him,
"Answer this", the man started asking him,
"How come all of a sudden you want to be the pacifist?"
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It was good vocab. usage, a lilttle choppy, but I liked it as an intro: or whatever.
Like I said good vocab. flow, wordplay,
might wanna lengthen it (as in all bars) for better flow
Nice
"Sitting back watching the victim come closer to my realm..."
LoL
This was BETTER!!
Quote:
Surely you can't commit to acts of this!"
Assassin with an axe in hand, ready to slash at him,
As if he was cancerous, the man at disadvantages,
Wraps him in bandages to then manage,
Blood flow, his head rushes, as blood spurts,
His tongues hurts, but on faster he presses,
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That was pretty ILL!!
Good multies, good structure, good flow, (lengthen LIKE THAT)
I really don't have nothing bad to say bout this
You elevated on the next paragraph!! DOPE!!
The rest of the verse reflects the same
All I got to say is lenthen each line
FAV part...
Quote:
And still faster, out of control,
A powerful glow, the soul,
Out of the hole,
The dead man's heart beats out of control
The strife is over, there lives are over,
They're both mine, they're flesh and bone is my ambrosia,
Your now my soldier, your life's my dosia,
You're all mine, you're flesh and bone is my ambrosia
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Good shit cuz, stay up, keep elevating.....
Damn we're still waiting on them votes
LMAO
I' guess will have to wait for Round 2 some other time in the future.
Being as we've been stuck waiting for another battle....
LoL
Feel free to criticize my other open mics poetry and cypher
Much Love
JamesJr.
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