for this being a true story i feel you could have added alot more to it. it was choppy and forced, and just because its real doesnt mean you have to force it to stay on the point, let it come naturaly. just because this is isnt a battle doesnt mean that structure and lenght, ect dont apply here. your structure was choppy, but could be fixed up easily. i too feel it needs more detail, and you could up your vocab. its a piece that can be taken and added on to.

~Tera~
DONT HATE

__________________