^i agree
the message that you could bring with this piece can be so much stronger and deeper if you revise and re write, try to put more emotion in it, you dont want it to seem like your just reading words or speaking to one of your friends
work on word usage, chosing the right words to make the piece have a larger impact, structure, and addin some of your own style
keep elevatin

__________________
~.:Soft Focus:.~
{--Deacon (\_/~\_/) Content --}
{-Calisto (\_/~\_/) .:Lady Sage:.-}
{--Filed (\_/~\_/) Domain 9--}
{-Thrust (\_/~\_/) Know1 (\_/~\_/) Emotion-}
{ --Rule (\_/~\_/) Mental God--}
Poetry
Don't Look Into My Eyes Forgotten
Understanding Once Again
"It requires wisdom to understand wisdom:
the music is nothing if the audience is deaf."