Thread: trapt souls
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Old 02-10-04, 07:57 PM   #4
SMZ
Flyweight
 
Posts: 102
From: Charleston, SC
IP:

Strong closer - flow needs a little work in my opinion. Like even though existance and fence technically rhyme - it doesn't really come across. I think you would need to pair another word with fence to make it work ie:

person biggest threat is the fear of non existance
our souls trapped in barbed wire like some hicks fence

best I could come up with quickly while keeping the line intact. Nice subject matter - thought your last four lines were nice. Hit my "Broken Metamorphosis" if you get a chance.
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