Well your missing kinda everything... I generally judge text on rhymes, vocab, flow and creativity.

Rhymes weren't all that great... you had no internals or multies, which kinda lessened the impact. You need to try and see if you can keep the meaning of a bar while making it multie rhyme. I can explain multies to you if you wish.

Vocab = not good. Temper was the most advanced word you used... you need to try to find synonyms for words, so that your rhyme is more interesting to read.

Flow wasn't bad... fell off during the middle where the lines were too short, but generally it was ok. Could've been improved in a few places, like from the middle onwards.

Creativity was... ok. As a whole concept, asking for help is rarely done in hip-hop writing, so I guess thats a start. But line by line, most of your stuff didn't have any real meaning or content that could hold my interest... the only thing I really like was the "touching my elbow with my nose" thing...

All in all, you should try to elevate. Read more, and practice more. Don't worry about this, you'll get better with practice and time. PM me if you would like any additional help, and keep writing... peace.