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Flyweight
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IP:
I told you I would read this - so here I am. I have pretty similar advice to the first one. Namely that you had a good idea but didn't seem to execute it very well. Some of the rhymes seemed forced, the aforementioned 1-800-Collect, etc. You had some nice lines too, ie:
"The Murder Of Our Very Earth, Our Planet And It's Soil,
The Effort And Confidence, Of Making This World Boil,"
Just didn't bring them consistently. Very nice closing line - in fact I think if you write something similar later you should think about recycling that to a piece more deserving of it. Keep writing - I'll keep reading.
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