I like your attitude man. So here's a few thoughts, take 'em for what they're worth.

Rhymes: there's a fine line between close rhymes that work and those that don't. I liked the "newbie / bullied" rhyme even though it wasn't an exact rhyme, 'cause it worked. But the "broke ass kid / dick sucking lips" rhyme didn't work. It's not quite close enough, and one-syllable rhymes need to be really good to work well.

Format: after you write your stuff, go back and break it down into lines that more or less follow the beat and show where one line ends and the next one begins. Unless of course you're doing a total free-flow verse on purpose and not trying to stay on the beat.

Wordplay: your best stuff (IMO) in this verse was "this is my playground and yo ass is about to get bullied". That's a good metaphor. Do more of that stuff.

Peace and god bless.