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New to RB
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IP:
I found it spul.
Well I gotta say this piece toke me by surprise. I thought it was going to be another 1 of those reads where the guy has so many problems in life he just kill himself, or a suicide note left to a loved 1. Those are played concepts, and this was nonetheless also played. But you did a very good job at adding your own creative suicide drop that was unlike any other (altho I have seen pieces like this done before).
ok to get to the actual piece...
your starting/hook didn't really catch my eye as much as the last piece I wrote about. Altho it rhymed nicely, and added to the story it really wasn't that strongly captivating
Quote:
I’ve fought through adversity, and roughed through the diversity/
But I never would have expected, that I would take part in a complicity/
^after u have read the verse over a cpl times u really see that it wasn't all that necessary to have that line in it. It was a very good multi mind u, but as a suicide piece you almost expect the character to have problems so that you really don't have to bring forth in ur verse (altho it's just my opinion. others might have a hard time knowing what it feels like to be suicidal).
your story really unfolds nicely after that. Again word usage was alittle basic, but like I said in my other reply to ur other piece you just gotta find words that mean the same just different. A good writer tends to confuse his reader with more indepth word usage. If u use a different word that has a same meaning, but is completely different then the other word it's good to do why because that other word might also mean something completely different, and u can play off that. Keep at it you'll see what I mean pickup a dictionary or a thesauruas really helps out alot.
back to the story. The imagry was nice, but to tell u the truth I really wasn't feeling it all that much why I'll show you.
We were walking down an alley… and we saw these two girls/
They were taggin’ around the finest clothes, and were loaded wit pearls/
^ok in this line u gave me a pic of an alleyway, and 2 girls with really nice clothing, and pearls. Thats all I see which is the problem. What color are they? trust me it's a really big help. What type of label was there really nice clothes? any1 can have a t-shirt and some jeans on. See this is where more indepth word usage is key to a reallllly good story telling verse.
My hands felt wet… so I took a look down/
My hands were turning red, just like the lips of a clown/
^another problem I came across in this verse was ur lack of metaphors, and similies. When telling a story those are thee most important aspect even above word usage. That was basically really the only meta I found in it. Also when using a meta try and find something that isn't going to take away from the story to much. Like in the line above u explained how ur hand was turning red from her biting, and u mentioned it was like a clowns lips. See right there I jumped from a red hand to a clown with red lips. Try and find something that matches what ur trying to say ok. like this
My hands turned red like a bursted vessel vain
skin ripped the bitchs bite caused me termendouse pain.
ok altho that line sucks lol it still does exactly what I explained. Notice how I mentioned my hand was red, and now u picture a red hand, but then I mention like a bursted vessel vain now you can picture a red hand with a bursted vessel vain cause she bite right through the skin, and also now I can see termendouse pain on ur characterz face, and picture him holding his hand.
Then the girl broke away from me… and she started to run/
Without thinkin’, I lifted up my jacket… and pulled out my gun/
I popped out two shells… they hit her and she fell/
^ok the problem here is at the ending it kinda seems like ur trailing off abit, and trust me thats going to hurt ur flow. Read that line twice over, and you'll know exactly what I mean.
I could hear the sirens coming. I had blundered the rest/
I popped one in my head, before they said, “You’re under arrest”/
^^fucking ill closure. no lie it had to be that way, and ur character knew it that was the perfect ending for this piece nothing wrong with that.
ok as for this piece as a whole I give it a 5/10
why we'll quite frankly ur word usage lacked indepth imagry. Metaphor/s weren't really that good in comparing to the story (watch how you use em), and overall Imagry was good, and poor. As for flow, and structure. Both where very well pt together, and used, but with basic grade 2 level words like that. Putting together a good piece that flows well is easy for any1.
My advice read, and write more. When u go outside freestyle a story using the things around you, and try to compare them using metaphors to something that isn't going to take ur reader off track or to much. What I forgot to mention above was that meta wasn't really that bad cause u brought my attention right back into the story with the next line.
What I really enjoyed about this piece was the creativity put into it. For instance ur ending was very nessecary in a creative type let's hault this story right here so it came off really good which is harder then you think. I also liked how u added the weather in there which most ppl really don't do. also I felt you could have added a time in there so we can really get a better picture. See telling us that the sun went away, and out came the rain is good in a way we know it's daylight, but about to be a greyish cloomy day. But what time of day is it? It'smore important in setting the overall mood, and plot. Speaking of plot where was it? all I could see was an alleyway nothing else what was in that alleyway besides those 2 girlz garbage cans, fences maybe a car or 2 who knowsmaybe a homeless bum taking herion anything it doesn't matter, but remember outside forces will, and have to react to the story like lets say u did add a herion smoking bum in there. What would he do when he seen u kill the girl would he try and stop you or run away. So little elements are key to making a good story.
This was a really good try, and I loved the ending, but it was to basic in my eyes a grade 3 could have wrote this try going more indepth storytelling, and try some of the things I mentioned above.
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