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Old 04-22-04, 09:51 PM   #9
Shadows edge
retired.
 
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Posts: 1,666
From: Urbana
IP:

Not bad... the problem is that it doesn't flow that well in most places, from line to line.. there is sort of a huge disconnect... also sometimes it seemed you forced a rhyme by going with odd word choice, which you really don't need to do. Not perfect, but I'm definetely feeling the emotion.
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