I've told this to a bunch of other kids as well,
you're taking 'thug shit' and posting in on an internet rap board. And it's like "Who are you kidding?" You know? Anyway, taking it for what it is, i'd say....
First thoughts- Reminds me of Drunk By Myself by Nas. It seemed to be a bitchy gangster type of thing.
Your rhyming is very simple-
man-man
dead-red
right-fight
way-day
It's not a huge concern, especially if you're doing audio with it. But it does stand out in when you're doing text.
Some of your bars are too long- and it fucks with the flow of it.
Quote:
what you know bout everyone wantin you dead
and theres nuthin that would make them ppl happier than to see you in red
|
They don't need to be exact by any means, just try staying anyway from doing that ^.
Final thoughts- It was interesting. Hopefully this is your life you're writing about, or else you need to think about why your pretending to be someonelse.