yo i could just roll u in a spliff and smoke u all day//
if u dont wanna battle me you only have to say//
weak opener here- good structure and a 1 syllable rhyme, but its basic theres no real punchline-
cos i will murder you lyrically, no questions asked//
when ever i fuck your mother i always have to wear a mask//
DANM shes ugly just like her son//
go and sleep on the street and beg for food u bum//
Your structure kinda got lost for a second, and I think if you reworked this line to fit the previous bars you coulda included a nice bit of wordplay or somethin to spice this up.
you dont wanna test me cos ull get ripped apart//
your girlfriend she sleeps around shes nothing but a tart//
maybe theres cultural differences between us but I aint feelin this
oops i forgot you are gay, sorry about that//
i didnt mean to tell every 1 your secret, you smelly smack rat//
Nah man, its basic here...Ima move on to the next verse
blacksmith is your name whats goin on with that?//
what were you smokin when you thought of that, you need to lay of the crack//
your not worth any more of my time ive wasted enough as it is//-- wait I wanted to include a critique on this line cuz I think it was your best one, it had a little bit of snap and witt to it, try and improve on this and it will help you elevate considerably.
you little posh cunt, what you doin in here i though u were in the "SHOW BIZZ"//
You shoulda had a punchline here though to make it a strong closer... Work on some of the things I said and you'll get better.


your raps basic,just face it your wasted like shit trash,
blacks too lyrical so its predictable, plus twos gonna end up smashed...
This was basic but it had a couple multis in it which is good
it was crazy trying to battle me with no chance of the win,
like dumb crooks trying to steal but just handing themselves in..
this wasn't a great punchline, but not horrible you got the idea
punches cave your just in when im testing with bars of fine art,
you brawl in gay pride colours for a start, dudes only hard up in gay bars..
not bad here
blacks ciphers settle shit n fates...cos if its 'beef' the plus-twos a 'thin steak'
get battered n baked man youll get slayed..you run at the end like rap songs on fade
This wasn't bad... multi-s so far the flows structure isn't too bad, I think this punchline could have been reworked but I see how you wanted to include the wordplay up top..not bad
your verse looks played like u ran around the block too many times gee..
this ASS addicts seen more CracK then dope houses,n now hes got HIV
good wordplay, decent punchline
im a plus three so its obvious im gettin the win from em, hes faces L's like their common...your weight is cotton, thats why on the scales it says nothin
exactly what you and your verse is..ill abuse then rob you and your bitches purses
im powerhouse creating earthquakes,plus two aint even touched the surface
in the end my time on u aint worth it, like killing with no purpose..
See your structure got fucked up when I stopped postin in between bars, you still had some nice wordplay in this after that, and an o.k closer.... I think you just need to keep writing you know what your doing and how to go about it you just need more practice I think....Good Battle guys but My vote goes to BlackSmith.

Please return the favor.... http://community.rapbattles.com/showthread.php?t=124944

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