I really like how you were making visual images with you words and that's a great start. On that note you need to work on your flow a little and expanding your creativity and vocab. This comes with time and even tho I didnt really like this piece I still thinkif you work at it youll become real good.
Quote:
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I fuck her once, i fuck twice, then it's poof and be gone/cause in the sheets i make magic like houdini and wands
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^^^^ Your best line