I liked this piece a lot and i gave me chills because it relates to how i feel with my gurl. I think you should continue to read and write raps to expand your vocab which will make ur visuals more visual. I have no doubt that you will and I really liked this piece. You struck a cord with my brain. Keep it up.
Quote:
Forever standing still watching the world turning./ yearn to share those burdens you carry,
You hide those feelings, ones you hope to bury.
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^^^ those lines hit home for me.