Voted For: DV8

Willy Wonka

November 16th, born another poor kid in the streets
Dont know wether this dream life was given with me
->>second line doesnt really make sense

Or was I just a curse who tore hus-band and wife
No more love cuz my mothers work? It was dam tite
->>ehh its ok

Its like, why would this life be given for this strife?
God, sets light on rich but shits on the pov-rish types
->>pov-rish? the rhymes in this sound forced

My mother cant afford to support lives under welfair
My brother stands on the cornor, lines another self fair
->>second line after the comma doesnt make sense more forced rhyming

Twins, but within the world my skin crawls at his site
In the skin site we're similar sorts, who'll fall in life
->>i was feelin this

But I have plans, seperate the brands of man and land
And I'm tired of these fake hands, I'll land on my OWN DAM FEET!
->>doesnt rhyme but its cool im going with it

As my family has no time in these days of dieing dreams
Grasp my brothers wrist and try to find his face but he's a dieing breed
->>didnt really understand the imagery in the second line

*Cops at the door speaks*
"Is there a kid here, 5-9 high dark eyes who lives near?
He's a caucasion kid, wear-in roc-a-wear
->>here you started going off on a tip about getting arrested which didnt have much to do with family...you tried to brign it back in the last bar but i thought it was too little too late

This young man is a suspect in the murder of a Mr. Watkasan
He's among a grand crack down on crime and he must be captured mam."
->>sounds weird...the words in the second line dont go together

*I come to the door*
Me-"Whats Going on, what the fuck get your hands off."
The cop holding on to my arm as I struck and desend off
->>pretty cool line I liked this one

Cop-"You're coming with me, your wanted for one count murder, first degree
You're one of the key suspects in a shooting, you're rights are seazed."
->>forced rhyming in second bar

He dragged me with back at the floor to the car
Preseaded to grab my head and push it rather hard
->>so-so...filler

Sitting in the back, tattered seats and contemplating why
Spitting at the backs of cops hats looking like what I hate about ghetto lives
->>this line was decent...good imagery

Got to prison and with in a few hours a had visit
Came to spot at the glass the vision of mirror image in it
->>good imagery here too

And he, he who is a part of me passing back thoughts like telepathy
This is crazy, my brothers crime my punishment, never let grieve my family on acounta me.
->>doesnt rhyme but its decent



Dv8

Im leaving this situation, its much more feasible than staying,
I know im your creation, but your rules aren’t reasonable for obeying,
->>I was feelin this opener it kinda throws you right into the mix then you explain later

I think the alcoholic drink has ruined your motherly maternal instincts,
You only thank me when holding your hair from the pueck in the sink,
->>you kinda forced the internal in the first bar I think it wouldve been better without it

It’s a bitter taste, without mama’s love I feel unwanted and out of place,
These are just extra wounds for a man who’s never seen his fathers face,
->>this is personal and kinda grabs you when you read it i was feelin it

So grandma was bad??? Well yes honey just a drunk n depressingly sad!
->>I wasnt feeling how you were explaining the story to a kid it breaks the concentration

My mama freebased money so I could have a high school tuition,
From my stepfathers home he’s quick to always hand me an eviction,
->>first line doesnt make sense and the second line rhyme sounds forced

Or a punch 2 the head and face, I continuesly to find a quiet place,
->>second half of this line fell off...I did like how some of your bars are different lengths than others it chops it up a little and makes it less monotonous when its so long

I swore he was’nt anything, but you said he meant more to you then I did,
As I cried, I hope you die kid was what I viewed through my busted eyelids,
->>internal in the second line is forced and it wouldve been better without it...it is a good bar though more of that imagery that grabs you

I was at war with who was supposed to be my life bringer,the ultimate giver,
The all knower, my nourisher and most of all my aspiration encourager,
->>filler...its pretty good for filler though

So understand ’little 1”my life was sad without a moma that did’nt nerture,
I met you 5 years ago, so im letting you know what it is to torture,
->>this sounds like a personal story but you dont explain who youre talking to or why you met them 5 years ago so like I dont know what youre talking about

Your smile capitivated my soul that was tattered and miserable,
I knew I could change our lives for the future if I was honourable,
->>doesnt rhyme but it is pretty good

I was young but I knew that I wanted to raise you as my own,
Cause I never wanted your precious little heart to feel alone,
->>this is cool flippin it back about how youre doing the raising now and you dont want the kid to go through the same thing...brings the family concept together good

And although there is no biological tie between use that binds,
There ain’t no blood test that can tell me you ain’t mines,
->>not your strongest bar

And Its never been kept a secret who your real father is,
But that bastard don’t even know what your favourite colour is
When you have a bad dream, you scream my name not his,
->>good imagery and youre letting a lot of emotion out here

Sometimes I wounder if you found me or if I found you,
Your lifes already been hard enough, I see the strength in you,
->>pretty cool

So you see our life and immediate family is priority,
Im here for support n I’ll never try ta come done like authority,
The older you get, the closer we get, its actually hard for me,
->>i wouldve left the third line out and changed cause to but in the next bar...third line was kinda weak

Cause I gotta realistically look upon tomorrow n be bothered,
I dread the first time your mad at me and say “your not my real father”
->>this was a good closer it brought your verse together nicely

Dady ill never say that…..no honey..its just a proven fact…..
->>couldve done without this but its not terrible

Before I explain if I sounded too harsh on either battle I apologize...I dont usually vote on topicals so Im used to having punches to rate which makes it harder for me. Anyways...

Willy wonka you had a lot of trouble with your rhyming...a lot of them sounded forced. You did have a good verse. I thought the begginning was good but the whole story of getting arrested didnt do it for me...it seemed off topic and the lines themselves werent stellar so it was hard to get into.

DV8 I dont know if this is truth or just for the topical but it seemed you put a lot of emotion into your writing and it just kinda grabbed me when i read it. It was walking the line between poetry and rap. It was a little long and I can think of a few bars you couldve left out but all in all it was a good piece and I liked it. I think you took this easy because you stayed on topic and the lines themselves rolled off the tounge smoother for the most part. As far as over a beat I dont know how it would go but this is text and I was feelin it.

v/Dv8

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