This was aight man, a good attempt at a storyline verse, this verse had both power, and had some iLL lines, othertimes it didnt look as sharp as it could be, wordplay was simplistic, some mtaphors were impressive and caught my eye... Think ya need to elevate over a 1-2 kinda flow, ya scheme is simplistic and ya need to throw in something different... Multies were shown, I think more are needed, together with internal rhymes, and it could smoothen your flow... The wordplay was working, metaphors were nice, and some heartfelt lines, some of the punches were awful though, and you prolly know which ones... The idea was positive a good concept, and ya showed your strengths and your potential, jus keep working to improve yourself... Keep spitting and elevating...

Peez...