Aint a bad effort, the ideas that were being thrown out were well thought of and ya conceptual ideas were shown... I think ya jus need to explain yourself, and try to show more creation within your rhymes... The rhyme scheme was hella simple, lacced multies and internal rhymes and that woulda smoothened your flow a lot... Mos of the rhyme was a "TION" rhyme aswell, and that showed its simplicity, aint a bad thing to use, but how many can you think of... Vocab was well delivered, more wordplay and deeper metaphors coulda showed more skill and potential, and it woulda put more depth in your writing, it was aight, keep spitting and elevating...

Peez...