This is nice, I think the message you were displaying is clear and has a good meaning, it was jus simplistic... The rhyme scheme was a simple 1,2... It had good multies and some internal rhymes, but ya need to play with your style, something more complex, original and personal... The wordplay was aight, metaphors come nice, gave a sense of deepness to the piece and it was nice to read... I liked what you were trying to say, jus up the vocab and add more power into your lines, you need to say something so say it... I think this is a decent flow with a good concept, you jus gotta sharpen up on a coupla things... Keep spitting and elevating, you got mass potential...

Peez...