I liked where you were coming from in this, it was mos def a good concept, and it was thought out and delivered well... I jus think your rhyme scheme is hella choppy, and I aint piccing it up, your syllables are mis matched and aint working, sometimes i jus get lost within your work... The content was decent, multies were used, some internal rhymes which were good to see... Wordplay seemed laccing sometimes, more wordplay coulda made this to an iLL piece, metaphors and similes to describe to the reader, it works well... Vocab was well used, except spelling but thats a complete minor... Im still feeling this piece, cos of its sense of deepness and understanding, to me its real and thats what I like to read... Keep spitting to perfect your flow, cos you got some improvements...

Peez...