Aint a bad piece, there were some nice things about it... The concept was a bit boring and over played with the flow having no substance... Your style is quite nice, a lot of internal rhymes and long multies which gave you a lot of rhythm, you should take away the ":" though, it would be easier to read without em... The wordplay coulda been deeper, more punches in this piece and it woulda been stronger, I noticed some similes, wordplay is important and it lacced... Vocab was aight, quite simplistic, need to improve that aswell... Otherwise its a good effort, you mos def got potential, jus keep spitting, try spitting under concept... Elevate through it...

Peez...