Thats nice man, its something different thats what I liked about it, the story was quite detailed and you described everything quite well... The flow was a bit choppy, I thought you needed some internal rhymes and it woulda been flawless, multies were good... The wordplay was aight, not a lot include, but you made up for it through imagery... Vocab again werent bad, but it could be worked on... The twist at the end was nice though, I liked the whole story and how ya explained it... Gonna be looking out for more of your work, mos def feeling the originality though, thats important... Keep dropping the gems sun...

Peez...