this wasnt to bad. You had a solid subject in it. Some ok rhyme's.
you need to work on your spelling,try keep your line's even syllable's this will help with your flow. Dont stretch to many of your line's.near the end you sort of died out. Try writing off the net. then spend some time to edit thru it and add punctuation, check spelling. change rhyme's if they need to be change. this is and open mic so i doesnt have to be just keyed out.you can take time to work on it and change thing's.............keep droping and elevating..........pz