Tight ish ...
But i think u should end the bars where
it flows feel me?
Eg >
Remove my breath,
My power to speak -
My preferance death -
Than to be so weak/

Or maybe put parts in bold or sumtin,
coz dis can mos def be "open mic spit"
if u put it in tha right rhyme`n / flow way
nah mean ...

Pz
~1~