hmm good stucture....i see you were putting time into your stucutre i really like your opener tho it was good use but rhymes not multis tho...but good use of rhymes....and stucture flowed well on this heres my fav line like i said the opener:
As the winds thrive past my face, the cold turning my face pale
My nose is red, my lips are chapped and ruff, my lips are so stale
^^hot line
keep working on stucture kind fell off a lil bit...but not bad still flowed man...8.3/10