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Flyweight
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IP:
this was okay.
both kind of took a similar approach
that being a reflection of sorts on their lives
and the confusing thoughts that accompany decisions, problems, etc.
not really anything special from either though
both came weak in my opinion
which kind of disappointed me a bit
but none the less it was a close battle, very close
alot closer than the votes show
Flow, your verse was decent
i thought the begining was just far to plain though
there wasnt a hint of emotion until about half way
through. Imagery wise it was okay, though
like i said i felt the emotion was lacking
but probably the biggest piece of criticism
would have to be that it was apparent you rushed
this. As there was no real transition within the
verse....
Quote:
And no matter how hard i try, Im always out of time
Out of time to talk, And also out of time to listen
And no matter what, together my thoughts stay glistened
They never move from their spot, never budge an inch
I let them live there free, And never moved them since
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^see what i mean. You went from having no hope to
to optimistic in two lines. I would have liked to see you
build up to it a little more, know what i mean?
regardless, this is just my opinion i dont intend
to take anything away from your writing as poetry
is most definitely a personal thing
whyte...kind of the same deal. I was expecting
alot more from you and was a little disappointed to
see such a bland verse. Like flows there wasn't
much descriptiveness going on here more of a
straight forward approch i guess you could say
honestly i thought yours was slighty better in
the emotion department, as it was more or an actual
real life type thing, Unless flow's on the brink or suicide: (
jp..but that the wording let you down. It was far too
basic in my opinion; i could see there was emotion
trying to get out the lack of descriptiveness though
just seemd to hinder it. It would really benefit you
to be more descriptive and a bit more creative
with your ideas. Again like i said before this is just
my opinion i dont intend to take anything away
from your work, i'm in no postion to say what should
have been done or what shouldn't have.
this was way to close, and to be blunt a pain
to breakdown, lol. Both had their pros and cons
but i felt that this was just one of those deals
where i had to go with personal preference.
That being said i'm going with whyte due to just
feeling his verse more. Not hate to you Flow
your verse was cool in my eyes though Whyte's
just made more of a connection on an emotional
level, pros to both though
v/ Whyte
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