View Single Post
Old 01-19-05, 03:40 PM   #9
DQ
Odi et Amo
 
DQ's Avatar
 
Posts: 3,675
From: Alosta City
IP:

Okay, this verse definately has potential....

The way you approached it was nice with the car accident and such but try to give us some more indepth emotion, let us feel all the pain, struggle of learning how to walk again... Also describe the accident in a more vivid way with better imagery like we were there when it happened.

Vocab was okay but avoid rhyming with the same word twice (wife - life). Your structure was ok, flow was good but maybe try to put into paragraphs or put it in center so it looks nicer...

Also, you used "fatal" 3 times in few lines somewhere,try to get more synonyms or such. No hate though, just trying to help you out and make you get better. Keep at it man!

DQ
__________________


Authentik Intelligence





...The future is mine...

Send a message via AIM to DQ Send a message via MSN to DQ Send a message via Yahoo to DQ