i was really feeling this your vocabulary was very good and stuctured alright coulda been better but damn the flow was pretty damn good..the creativty and metaphores you used were so good and the emotion on this peice was so emotional....made me feel touched ...haha jk...but yea man keep doing your thing theres not much i would change if i were you but maybe try working on the stucture but that dont matter really..

good peice..keep doign your thang