kinda steched lines but not bad it still flwos but you wouldnt be able to do that on a audio track so try practicing doing it without so many words then it will flow so much better...but the stucture was pretty good..but the creativty lacked the vocab was weak and i didnt see to much emotion going on in there...but keep doing yo thang..it will come...

alright peice...

leave feed on my OM's in my sig...thanks...