Smells of old paint
spilled alchol and stale cigareetes
I can see the stained carpet
tattered and ripping in many places
Like the old sheets that cover the windows in darkness
The phone book under a table leg
and another under the couches corner
The recliner that doesnt open anymore
and the old lamp that doesnt shut off till you unplug it
The hunger of no food and even more
i can remember what hunger is
To search the refridgorator and find only cold air
and a open box of baking soda
To search the cabinets
and find only a few cans left over
which you are too young to cook
maybe even too young to reach the stove
I can see the other children on christmas
showing off thier wonderfull toys
Thier sleds and video games and other things from thier giftlists
Thier action figures and all thier goodies in thier stockings
I remember how sad i was
I wrote Santa such a nice letter
and this year i even sent him a map i drew all myself
maybe i shouldve drew better?
Because for some strange reason
no matter how good i was
Santa always forgot about me every year
I remember mom cooking
but i dont remmeber food never being near
Mom was cooking something bad
something that destroyed her
the thing that destroyed us
I remember the cold
how the blankets were never warm enough
How i woke many nights cryed
and no comfort came
no one checked to see if i was ok they wouldnt care if i died
Only sleep came to help me overcome
all the hardships i faced
i see the death all around me my life as a savage
and i realize
most my memorys are nightmares that actually happened

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