yeah, you gotta work on your structure and flow....alot of that is coming across really choppy/hacked because your forcing alot of words and stretching lines.....you wanna try and make things flow smoothly to enhance the reader's experience...nah mean? so work on that, and your vocab and wordplay could be uppped a little too, don't write so 'gangsta' either...haha, you had some nice ideas in there, but you just need some more work with writing...yeah, so keep it up 5/10

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