i think your structure is coo, but needs a lil bit more practice and elevation in it. but that was the least of ur problems.try to think of some harder personals. when you face someone whose been here longer it will be easier to think of harder personals. try to think of more creative punches ans shit. disses and shit to make ur oponent look bad. this wasnt a bad verse, but it wasnt winning material for this win. ur oponent is garbage, but he had harder punches in this one, and better metaphores to take the win. also try to think of some more creative metaphores. comparing you oponents to something bad to create a good diss. your rhyming is ok, but try to throw in a few multiples in your verse. but not that many, cause ur whole verse may change into just multiples. just work on that for now, but it was a good verse