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Old 05-01-05, 12:08 AM   #7
Can Sir Us
New to RV
 
Posts: 24
IP:

The Nigga Mentality -

yo my history teachers woulda loved this. shoulda wrote it sooner so i coulda jacked it and called it my own.

But in all seriousness, this was badass. You can usually tell from the opener whether its gunna be a boring read or a nice peice, cus ya wanna captivate the audience with the beginning.. and you did an awesome job with that. I usually aint into long pieces, but I found myself reading this all the way through - the flow was on point for the most part, the 3rd paragraph was a little choppy at times, but it didnt take away from the message.

Unique story as well - basically summed up the entire history behind the black man while intertwining your own point of view.. it was a really deep message, and even though I cant relate as well as others can, I still got alot out of it - especially liked the ending - it's not your regular closer .. in fact it didnt really have an end, you had a unique way of interacting us into this story at the end .. the way i took it as the "you decide" is how we take this message and our past history and what we've learned from it .. and how we're gunna apply it now.. how are we gunna make the difference? it was tight.


fav lines:

Hearing money, hoes, and drugs on the radio, it kills their radience
Voice of reason going deaf to ears like a steadily falling cadence
^ Prolly dopest line
Slave traders saw no difference, to them, Africans were all the same
So they slapped on the nigger label, 'cause every tool needs a name
^ thats nice.. you made them become a 'thing' rather than be a human.

Nice shit man, really enjoyed the read.


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In A Picture Frame -

Damn. what a followup of the first piece. i really got into this, two totally seperate stories and both very well written. this was fulla imagery and imagination, and had alot of great vocab.

While i was reading this, i got flashbacks of the COPS tv show, especially when i read the line where you went into detail of the little boy sprawled out on the street.. and was by far one of your best lines in the story.

I also liked how you chose to name this character Johnny, even though its one of the most commonly used names in pieces, i felt like he was unique and set apart from the rest.. i caught myself reading through it really fast, trying to find out what happened next, then i went back and payed attention to the real story.. and thats when i caught the unique ending.

I was tryin to figure out how you could have possibly come up with that title and how it fit, then you tied it all in nicely with the closer.. It was sad, but had a really great message.

You have real talent man, keep it up.. im suprised this is getting slept on as much as it is.
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