First off i'd like to say that i liked your piece. Reading through it
i thought to myself, yeah he definitely has writing ability but the
subject matter is kind of overdone and somewhat unoriginal.
And honestly that was kind of a turn off, i mean you can only
read so much of this type of stuff before it becomes predictable
content wise. But then i got to the end and was pleasantly supprised
by the little twist you threw in. Here i was the whole time thinking
a chick was the basis for the poem, when it turned out to be hip-hop.
Now i can't say i've seen this concept before, it mave have been
done, but it really made your piece in my opinion. I mean i can
honestly say that caught me off gaurd and that's a good thing.
What made it good is that you didn't really let on that it was
anything other than a girl. That to me was the strongest thing about
your piece and it's good to see you utilize it, very creative indeed.
However with bad comes good and i saw a few areas where you
could stand to improve. To me and it may just be me, but this
really seemed like more of an om than a poem due to the
constant internal rhyming and set scheme throughout the piece.
You did place emphasis on the emotion which is typical of poetry
in most peoples opinion but i thought having to adhere to the scheme
and keep with the internals hindered it a bit. I would have liked
to have seen you move away from that and into a more free verse
type of poem. In my opinion it allows you to say so much more
as well as be way more creative with your ideas. Where as with
a rap or topical or whatever you have to keep that flow by rhyming
and throwing in some words that arent necessarily important to
to what you're conveying. Oh and i was just reading it again and
i saw something that also kind of struck me as confusing. I liked
how you personified hip-hop but some of the lines were kind of
odd if you think about it. Like where you talked about your
wanting to hold hands and the part where you leaned in to kiss.
These lines kind of made me think that maybe you forgot for a second
that you were talking about hip-hop. Now i know you were trying to
make it seem like you were talking about a girl but i really feel like
you could do without lines like those. As they just add to the speculation
that you hadn't intended the twist all along. Anyways it's late
and ive rambled off a page already, lol so i'm going to stop right there.
Sorry if i didnt live up to your expectations as far as my criticism
but i did my best to give you my honest breakdown. Regardless keep
at it hope i helped somewhat

-peace

__________________
6 Feet