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Old 06-19-05, 12:25 PM   #11
Gongshow.
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Posts: 160
From: Barrie, ON
IP:

This was good. Vocab was good but not to the point where it didn't even make sense. Your imagery was solid throughout and the emotion kept me reading. A good example of emotion:

Now fully complete but my heart still bleeds for the pious souls
Took avenge but still im lonely my heart is full of thrustin holes

That was good. All I can say is to watch your syllable count because it threw off your flow in some places. Just try to re-word things and they won't sound forced.. ex.

My soul maybe set dormant but I ride without fail
So join me as I venture thru this notorious killers tale

^Syllable count was off. All you had to do was remove 'notorious' and it would have flowed alot smoother.

Pz
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