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Rastafari Walk Tall
From: East London, (Hackney) |
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IP:
Topic:nice title, but suicide , especially the method of u have chosen has been written about so many times its annoying and I rarely see anything new…not sure if this is true or not..fair nuff if it is…if not try and come with topics that will challenge reader.
Content:You pretty much described the suicide itself well..this was a relatively short piece, so you couldn’t go into reams of detail…this to me however was a lot of description and with suicide it would be real and interesting to know what narrator is thinking-feelin etc…also it felt more storrtelly than poetic description/explanation etc
Structure:concise…poem flowed well…would be nice spoken word over an instrumental
Imagery-meh……was all kinda obvious to me, I could imagine it, but it was jus like any old suicide for any old person, wasn’t personal enough or vivid enough, lacking greatly imo
Emotion:commented bout this in content….suicide is a deep topic, are you crying while doing this/thinking of fam your leaving behind? Thinking of the reasons that have pushed you to this/ after-life/damnation/ etc etc ifinite things to describe narrators emotion…you had none
Devices (metaphors/similies etc):your metaphors were real simple…no allegorical meanings (i.e cud mean that or cud mean something deeper)…There is no need for the elipsis’ (the 3 lil dots) all tha way through your verse  why are they there?, not particularily knowledged on what their technical use is but I find primarily there used to create pauses or trailing off thoughts….and theres no need for all these pauses…
Problems:you proper english just for rhymes…this isn’t a topical its poetry yo..shit don’t have to rhyme: eg:
I got to stop this, so I sit down on my floors vinyl carpet…
And take the razor to my throat to make the final scar slit…
Scar slit =  tom ethis just doesnt work...you could have worded it different and had a better effect
Improve:add emotion, improve deepness,expand your ideas, do original stuff
IF YA DNT LIKE MA FBAK….SUCK MA DICK…ITS MY OPINION YOU CAN CHOOSE TO LIKE IT OR NOT…..
AS OF NOW ALL YOUR POSTS MUST BE ACCOMPANIED BY A FBAK LINK!!!!!
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