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Old 07-22-05, 03:26 PM   #5
Dervla
Poet's Daughter.
 
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*Eyes Of The Cutter*

Every night I see you I cant help but sigh and dream...
As I paint the walls colorful with my silent screams...
All this violence seems..to carry on..it just won’t end...
Another cut made to ease the pain cause I’m broken…
-The 1st 2 Lines had some good vivid Imagery, the next 2 Lines had Emotion. Stop with the ..

Leaving my clothes soaken..in a puddle of my blood…
Veins ripping apart, more spews, I huddle as it floods…
Thoughts crumble with a thud…I’m reaching the worst…
Everything starts to fade…as I’m greeting the hearst…
-Alright, had a vocab in here. Nice imagery. Ok emotion on this part

Cause my beatings aren’t heard…I only remain quiet…
Enjoying the pain I inflict..with every single vein I slit…
That claims my wrist…leaving behind scars of pain…
Each one for different reasons…that mark its gain…
-Ahh Dope on this part, I loved the imagery and the emotion...My fav part throughout this whole piece so far.

I start to strain…over each scar that holds its place…
A story for each one…that’s never told, its traced…
It molds to grace…pleasurable…clearing my mind…
Again and again I cut slow and deep hearing it grind…
-Loved the Imagery Once Again, had a good vivid Portrait between your words

I’m steering so blind, going the wrong way, no guidance…
Always the same excuse, it was a long day,…I guess…
I got to stop this, so I sit down on my floors vinyl carpet…
And take the razor to my throat to make the final scar slit…
-Alright Decent Closet with the Imagery.


-I say Upp on vocab and put more Emotion to it. I dont know what Acuity about "Scar Lit" But it's called "Slant Rhyme" If you didnt know. Anyway'z this was a decent piece of leaning toward Imagery, just upp on vocab and Emotion keep writing.

Plz Leave a feedback on my Poem Called "3-Dagger'z Knife".
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