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Rastafari Walk Tall
From: East London, (Hackney) |
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IP:
Topic I like the use of a picture as your inspiration or whateva to write...good way to cure writers block etc tec..interesting title - but learn how to spell plural of knife..jus makes u look illiterate or sum shit...title has pleasantly aroused ma intrigue
Content This was a long ass piece girl...damn...right content wise you talked about alot of stuff...nothing crazily deep all revolving round the death of the family and each family members death lead up to death etc you basically followed a structure within each stanza of talk bout feelings..kill em..meh got kinda repetitive in a way..each character failed to bring something new to the piece
Structure
hmmmmmmmmmm...was there any specific reason you chose for having 10line stanza's???cant really see an effect that the form brings...a more irrational less structured form may have expressed the "horror" of this all by making the flow of the pice more irratic and more real...emotions and thoughts do not tend to generally flow in beautiful 10line stanzas...especially when about deep content as your writing about...i know your a topical writer...structure is soooo much less important in poetry, unless your writng to a form..so let shit jus flow yo
Imagery
Imagery varied from stanza to stanza...in some it was vivid (i.e SON and MOM)..in others (i.e DAUGHTER) it was pathetically low and unclear and u got lost in just rant in description
Emotion
Emotion, this you had on lock...emotion did come through in all verses and the motha was really felt for...and the 'tragedy' of it all really came through 
Devices (metaphors/similies etc)Metaphors where few and far between, obviously not all poets chuck metaphors into their pieces, but they greatly help to create imagery which you lacked in some of your stanzas..you had similies but some were kinda crappily simplistic: "like the clock stopped, thres no tommorow"..you obviously arent thick, dont write crappyness like that its jus ---___---....
Problems
-It seems to me you have commas scattered eevrywhere when unneeded, where they should be they arent there..
- Change up your rhymescheme..you have evry long lines...have some inline rhymes stops shit from sounding talkative and monolgue-ish lol
Improve
-Use some assonance or alliteration or somin...shit would sound dope with your in-depth type tyle..check nos' topcials, youll catch some nice examples there
-Check out DQ's poetry you can write dope and not have to try amaze n dazzle the reader with over complicated crap...no offence but alot of line sin this jus do not work, or add nothing to the piece...however, i have the same sort of style as you and id say use other poetic techniques so some readers dont feel overwhelmed
Overall a decent piece...not your best at all..ive seen better...keep droppin..
IF YA DNT LIKE MA FBAK….SUCK MA DICK…ITS MY OPINION YOU CAN CHOOSE TO LIKE IT OR NOT…..IM JUS YOUR AVERAGE RV HEAD...IM ELEVATING WID YOU...SO I MIGHT NOT GET SHIT THAT U WRITE BUT MEH...EACH PERSON HAS A DIFF RESPONSE
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