I like to see people trying..

Your overall sound is actually pretty good.. but I think you've got to loosen up a little bit- especially in that chorus. I realize coming up with hooks is a bitch, it's what I hate most myself. If you just add some interim beats to the chorus (ie dont fit the vocals *exactly* with the song- add a couple syllables to get out of sync a little)

Not tryin to be an asshole btw.. just puttin my 2 cents in so i can post my new song

Keep trying, you've got potential.

-Sam.