This verse has great vocab & depth..it also holds a slight degree of complexity into its content..as far as what's read inside the newspaper..the flow was pretty decent..at times it becomes distorted & hard to follow smoothly..

What cut down your verse in my opinion is..the way you used multi's because that's part of the reason ya flow was choppy..the other reason is creativity..it seems like readin the newspaper can be creative to a certain limit..& the imagery was slacking as well

Overall...it was a decent verse you have..just work on ya multis & imagery..& keep doing what you do