hmm...different peice here.I thought the lines were allright by itself.But they didn't seem to relate together to form the topic or nothing.But the biggest problem was the rhyming.You were rhyming the same words over and over.And a lot of lines didn't rhyme.So just work on rhyming and making ur lines tie together to form a topic.

RTF
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=206909