Lets start with the postives:
You had a solid structure, emotion seemed present. You used enough descriptive language to keep the read enjoyable, and everything pictured in the mind as you read along with it.
Some critism...
The style you used, that a ton of other heads on use on this site for some reason would be the anonouncing of a change in the piece. "The tale gets deeper" or something along that. You know, the subtitles you people put in. If your using your language properly, and involving good imagery, people should be able to realize that something has happened, and not have a preminition of whats going to come.
Quote:
"A pain had driven inside of my mind, so damn unruly
Shadow of that Devil had suddenly touched me, truly "
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That line could've used some rewording, because it seemed that you had to stick 'truly' on the end of it, because you didn't think the line out to it's full extent, and had to somehow make it rhyme.
You flowed alright, but for this piece it would've been nicer to see some multis, because that would've made this piece that pretty dope.
Props, keep dropping.