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1926
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IP:
Not To Bad Man.
This Piece Had Alot Of Nice Imagery And Emotion,
But Woulda Liked It More I Think If Your Vocabulary Was Alittle More Vast.
... It Was Just Kinda Basic Explanations Of The Feeling You Were Expressing.
At Times Though You Wording And Puntuation Made For Very Effective Lines,
'Sweat trips from my pores, this pain is climactic. Absolute.'
That Line Really Just Hit Me, Really Liked That.
It Was Just Simple, But Simple Is Very Much So Different Than 'Basic'.
Simple Pushes A Very Effective Message Through A Line Of Easily Comprehendible Phases.
If The Whole Piece Were Like The Above That Would Have Been Nice.
Another Thing, Watch You Structure.
I Know Its Poetry But Tryn Get A Steady Line Length,
Just More Pleasing To The Eye You Know?
Uuum, Imagery...
Tryn Use More Creative Metaphors.
'I cant focus, My insides surge, my body tightens, becomes rigid.
Like paper i tear, my everything aches.'
The Whole Paper Thing Was, Bleh.
Could Have Been Like,
'I Sit, A Paper Doll To Pain's Adaptation Of Ancient Asain Arts.'
Just More Interesting You Know?
Overall Though This Was A Nice Piece,
Keep Writing And Elevating Man.
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