Well i used to write like this ... i dont know if you do anyother poetry but i used this ryming style when i was a newb ... but i dont know if you are or not .. im new ... lol ... but i think that you need to stay away from the ryming everyother word .. it dont bring emotion to the poem you know? ... all you gotta do is find a certain style and structure you like to write with and write all your poems like that .. then move on to different poetry ... like freeverse and things like that ... i like the poem for what kind it is ... if you get that .. lol ... but i wanna see more werk from you ... cuz i can see you have poetic views ... lol ... nice drop man ...

Peace !!

~1~