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1926
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IP:
This Was Pretty Nice,
You've Clearly Got Some Writing Ability...
I Apologize On Behalf Of The Above For Not Reading The Whole Thing,
Cuz I Can Tell By The Responses They Didnt.
But Ya, Here's A Break Down...
This Piece Had Great Emotion,
The Key Words Within The Piece Pushed A Feeling Of Angst And Lost...
Eventually Running Into Acceptance,
Wich I Kind Of Saw Coming Because That Usually Happens.
The Imagery In This Piece Was Very Nice.
You Had Alot Of Nice Metaphors And Such,
Especially In The Begining They Started Strong Then Finished Likewise.
Although In The Middle You Kind Of Calmed Down The Imagery,
Wich Im Not Sure I Like Because It Sort Of Started To Drone On...
And I Felt Like I Was Losing Focus And It Wasnt Holding My Interest.
Also, There Were Only A Few Spots...
But You Kind Of Ruind The Settup For The Metaphor,
By Giving Away Too Much Information.
Giving The Line Direction Steps Rather Than Clue To Bring The Reader To Their Own Conclusion.
'It was said by God, "there is no such of those who are evil
They are merely like straw blown by the wind'
And That Line Kind Of Bothered Me Aswell.
In Your Piece You Switched Often From Present Tense Descriptive/Story...
Into What Seemed Almost Like A History Book.
And The Whole History Thing Was Someone Boring And Wasnt Engaging.
Like There If You Came Up With Like:
Every Punishment Sings The Hymn Of God,
"there is no such of those who are evil
They are merely like straw blown by the wind"...
Wispers The Swift Whip Of The Calous Breeze.
*Shrugs*
I Dont Know, I Just Didnt Like How The Tenses Switched...
Especially Since When You Brought The Reader In It Was Pretty Amazing.
My Favorite Line In This Piece Was This:
'A witness to Adam bearing taste to the forbidden fruit
The sweet taste of knowledge… the foretaste of eternal youth'
Not Really Sure Why, Something About That Just REALLY Apealed To Me.
I Think It Has To Do With Its Historical Relation To Modern Day Behavors.
I Also Like:
'Yet things are never as they seem, and what something seems to be, is nothing at all
A wilted red rose, the only that stands out amongst the white
And so it stands out, the most beautiful of all'
That Was Truely A Perfect Ending In My Opinion.
Finished Off With A Nice Strong Piece Of Imagery, Emotion, And Overall Message.
And I Like In The First Line Of That How You Bring Oposites Together.
'What The Seem To Be Is Nothing At All' Just A Clever Little Play I Enjoyed.
The Actual Story Of This Piece Was Nice Aswell...
Not The Most Original Concept With The 'Adam And Eve' Thing,
But The Way You Presented It And Built Your Storyline Was Very Unique And Original.
Nice Job Man, Hopefully We'll Be Seeing More Of You Around Here.
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