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1926
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IP:
*Shrugs*
I Dont Know Myst,
This Was Kind Of A Toss Up For Me.
First Off, This In No Way Is A Poem
... Fucking Idiots.
It's A Topical Piece With Basic Flow.
Ok, You Had Good Imagery Man,
Definately The High Point Of This Piece.
You Painted Very Vivid Pictures And That Was On Point.
Stoyline Fallowed Nicely.
Except One Section You Kind Made To Much Of A Leap...
Going From Sick Day-Right Into Scuba Shit.
So To Me It Was Just Kinda Like, Whoa, Where That Midway Content.
The Emotion In This, Eh...
Like I Said Imagery Was On Point.
I Think You Got Alittle Caught Up In That And Forgot Emotion.
Cuz It Was There, But You Didnt Go Into Deph About It.
The Concept Itself...
I Dont Really Know What GL Was Talking About,
I Havent Really Seen This Done Before.
But When I Was Reading I Was Expecting Something To Happen,
And When It Didnt I Liked That Cuz It Wasnt Predictable
... But The Thing You Came Up With Didnt Better Mine So I Was Kinda Disapointed.
I Thought You Were Going To Go With The Poetic Death,
And Have The Grandfather Die While He's Scuba Diving.
And While Basic That Has A Big Impact And Gets You Emotion Points.
Last Thing, Structure...
Next Time Try And Break It Up A Big.
That Was Just Like 30+ Lines Straight Forward,
Its Alittle Much For Most To Take In A Single Sitting You Know?
You're Deffinately Growing Alot As A Writer Though,
Stay Up And Keep Elevating.
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