Ok...
the problem with your verse..is that your not throwing punches.Ya got a nice,strong rhyme scheme..but a lot of times..you end up forcing it.In your verse,ur lines..either made no sense due to forcedness or rhyme scheme...or wuz just flat out weak.
Only plus side to your shit is that it's unique and way different from the rest of shit people post here.
Just learn to not force ya rhyme scheme.


Leave some feed in my OM plz.
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=209018