this was a decent piece, i can tell you can do better. I liked it though. A couple good quotables in there. The reason why I didn't like it at times, is although your word choice is excellent, at times it seems you force multies....and you should never sacrafice flow for content, especially someone as talented as yourself...you should be able to say exactly what you mean without forcing it. Another reason this piece seemed somewhat average to me, it's an average concept, disguised with above average vocab, and word choice. here are the lines I loved
Separate undead folks, they use to have a cause for a beat
Now they ponder aimlessly and forever wander in defeat ...
a good majority of what your trying to say was said with that bar alone..
As I gaze at the stars I take head from the feed in dropped bars
Seeds spark the reads from weed's that glisten .. see, they listen.
very clever. creative metaphor and set up
the 2nd to last paragraph was all dope, again..your whole concept wrapped up into a few bars..
the last paragraph...good concept, not so good wordchoice, again it's like you settled for something less..maybe you were in a hurry..or maybe it's just me..either way..all in all...this was a good piece...im just giving my opinion
please return the favor...and let me know when you drop somethin revolutional
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=213552