Great imagery. You also happened to have great concept development, and managed to keep the reader intrigued the whole time, which is great. Vocab was alright but you did manage to have some pretty crappy spelling in there at times. Flow was great but I think you overused or exagerated the "...".

I wrote on a topic similar to this twice, and I think maybe we could collab on one of these type of topics, it would be pretty nice. Check my "Open Windows" link in my sig if you have any doubt, and if you could hit that up with some feedback.