ok your flow is horrible on this and if its a poem you need to seriously work on syllabel count.vocab was o.k also here.your imagery was good but felt forced in some areas due to your very streched lines which had many more words then were basically needed here.overall it was a o.k piece.i personally think you should rewrite it and drop again due to the fact is does have potential to it.
please check out one of my open mics and leave some feed.

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