This was interesting, very short, but still I found quite a few things that I really liked about this piece. Right from the begining I was figuring you would just be very generic with your storyline being it's your first poem. But the direction you took just was so out of the ordinary that I never really knew where you were going fully until about the middle of the stanza... Which I liked because the piece didn't become predictable. You also had some very unique descriptions that came off to me a very creative and original... And even used some similies that I liked... When i normally HATE similies because they usually break away from the flow of the emotion. Great job man.

Only suggestion is next time to make it longer... And devide your poem up into stanzas.