I agree on Atticus about the rhyme scheme, your concept had potential but you were trapped in those rhymes you know. Because you wanted everything to work out I feel you couldn't really let your creativity soar. The vocabulary can be better as well. But first piece of advice I'd give you: just write! Do not think about structure or rhymes or anything, just write, let your mind do its thing you know. Because I feel you do have potential seeing how you word certain things and looking at some word choices. Just keep away from that structure and strict rhyme scheme, just let the ink flow out of your pen and write

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